Blurts & Spasms

Oh thank you for this! My mayoral edicts:

1. Only popcorn would be served in restaurants from 3–5 p.m.

2. Large animal veterinarians would be given special privileges at all public water fountains.

3. Strong smells would be banned. Permanently.

4. A radio signal would be beamed out into space requesting that our neighborly alien visitors stop beaming stupid rays at planet Earth (we would promise not to leave the solar system if we could just regain a few IQ points!)

5. On alternate Thursdays, MAGA hats would be piled up and burned in the public square to the tune of Pete Seeger’s “Waist Deep in the Big Muddy.”

6. Only homeless people would be allowed to vote…until there was no more homelessness, and then everyone else could vote again.

7. Open carry would be permitted for everyone in town, under the following conditions: 1) Firearms must only be loaded with rubber bullets, and 2) Anyone riding an e-scooter on city sidewalks at unsafe speeds must be fired at.

8. In order to test Elinor Ostrom’s common pool resource management schema, all common spaces will be converted to alfalfa fields for grazing free range Alpacas that belong to everyone.

9. Anyone caught trying to sell something to people that they don’t need or want (goods, services, religion, etc.) will be subject to fifteen minutes of public caning for each offense.

10. Anyone who parks their car across multiple parking spaces to keep it safe from dings and scratches will have their driving privileges revoked within the city limits for five years.

11. City employees will dress up as frail elderly people and solicit fellow citizens for help; good samaritans will then be rewarded with a modest “Basic Income” salary for life.

12. Free classes in formal second-order magic will be taught at public libraries on a daily basis.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I think it’s a start….