Blurts & Spasms

In answer to Quora question: "What did it take for you to truly love yourself?"

Thank you for the A2A. This is a wonderful question IMO.

There was no single moment for me - this has been an ongoing process over my entire life (I am fifty years old), and I likely have more to learn in this regard. However, there are a number of moments where I seemed to gain a fresh foothold in that process (probably more than I can even recall), but here are a few of the ones that stick out:

1) When I experienced unconditional love from my aunt and uncle. From my mother and father, and their parents, affection and attention were inconsistent, pretty low quality, and usually conditional. But my aunt and uncle seemed to care about me for just being me - they had no expectations, but were kind and patient even when I acted out.

2) When dogs actively and miraculously saved my life in harmful situations a number of times as a young boy.

3) When Ann Zara, my grade school therapist, demonstrated profound compassion and understanding toward me - again without any conditions or expectations.

4) When my foster parents took me in, treated me with kindness, forgave me when I did wrong, and injected so much laughter into our interactions.

5) When I was baptized at age eighteen, not because I wanted to be "saved," but because I wanted to acknowledge the amazing agape that the God of the Christian tradition was offering me, and because my heart soared with gratitude and wonder that, regardless of all the reckless and harmful things I had said or done, I was wrapped in a boundless love that sacrificed itself over and over again so that I could be safe, nourished, and thriving.

6) When I took a year off from sexual gratification and desires at age nineteen, and encountered an intense and enduring compassionate and charitable affection for all people around me as a result. I had never experienced this before, and was surprised that I myself was included in that compassion.

7) When I practiced outreach to homeless people in Seattle in my twenties. This had no other agenda than to relieve their suffering, feed them, provide them shelter, listen to their stories, invite them into my home, and show them they were loved. I will never forget one homeless man who shook my hand when I offered him help and chatted with him for a few minutes. "Thank you," he said, holding onto my hand and looking deeply into my eyes, "for seeing me...for really seeing me." In that moment he was offering me a gift greater than anything a person could give.

When I received some excellent cognitive behavioral therapy in my early thirties that helped me understand the difference between codependent, enmeshed relationships and relationships where each person took responsibility for their own well-being and happiness.

9) When I began meditating regularly and encountering more and more of an interiority full of Light, intrinsic compassion, and letting go for everything...including a "self" that was less and less differentiated from everyone and everything else.

10) When I began teaching meditation classes and seeing that same Light, compassion and letting go blossom in my students.

11) In conjunction with nearly all of these events, my ego played an interesting role. Early in my childhood, it was my ego that defensively asserted itself to show that I could love myself in small and immature ways (i.e. self-preservation). But as I got older, it was the acquiescence of ego that allowed me to love myself...to a degree that I would say that whatever is left of my ego has now become the enemy of love.

There is so much more to this story, but perhaps you can see the patterns here. First, unconditional love was demonstrated to me. Then I experienced that same compassion and caring for others in myself. Then I realized what unhealthy, clingy and conditional love looked and felt like in my relationships. Then I discovered through meditation that I was no different than all those "other" people I cared for...that in essence, I was them. So now, whatever compassion I have for myself is reflected back to me by All that Is, and "loving myself" becomes a humble submission to that unitive apprehension.

I hope this was helpful.